Four Tips To Get Ready For Being a Caregiver
Stepping into the role of caregiver for my parents wasn’t as difficult a decision as I thought. Once the reality set in that it’s what I had to do, I got to doing it. What I did not plan for was the emotional toll it takes.
So, present tense, I am currently a little over one year into caring for my father. I wrote about how we got here last year. Check that piece out here. In short, it’s my job to keep my father safe, healthy and frankly alive. The new reality that’s setting in about this stage of caregiving is that there are days when I have to say “no” to my father. I imagine that this is what it feels like to parent. The challenge — trying to convince my father to undo years of poor habits is not a walk in the park, and it requires me to be a little more direct. Hence, the firm “no.”
It’s scary, y’all. I often feel like one wrong move can ruin our relationship, so I am often making emotional calculations in my head to get my father what he wants in a way that’s not harmful to his overall health. I am not his parent, and I have to remember that. Oftentimes it does feel like it though, and it’s hard.
The added layer of complexity is that I have moved back into the house, and sleep (for at least five days a week) is hard to come by. You see, my father is a night owl, so he often needs things at night. My body is one that shuts down after a long day, so it’s a challenge having to get up throughout the night to do things.
All of this isn’t as bad as what my father has to endure though. Four or five out of seven days he has to go through medical treatments that affect his whole body. When he’s not having treatments he’s recovering from them. He doesn’t have any days off. For me that isn’t completely true. I get a break when my brother takes over for a couple of days, and I get to decompress. So while what I am experiencing is difficult, it doesn’t compare to what my father is going through. That perspective is really important.


According to AARP’s Caregiving in the United States 2020 “Most African American caregivers work while caregiving, for 37.5 hours per week on average…” As an African American, gay male caregiver who also works, I was thinking about my role, and reminiscing on being over a year into this. I wanted to share some things that I’ve learned to hopefully help someone else.
Here are four tips to get ready to become a caregiver:
Prepare Ahead of Time — If you observe that a loved one is trending to a poor health outcome, prepare early for the role you may need to play. Begin to have the important conversations with your loved one and support system early.
Stumbling Is Ok — The reality is, you won’t know everything right away, so lean into stumbling. You’ll learn lessons from that. Even if you’re a healthcare provider, I can tell you, no matter what technical skills you have, dealing with your loved one emotionally is a whole other thing. Don’t be a know it all.
Own It — The role of caregiver can’t be a one foot in and one foot out deal. If you commit to it, you have be committed to it. Own the role, and your role in your loved one’s life. You’re going to need to have very detailed and often uncomfortable conversations with your loved one. For example, you just may need to have a conversation about bowels — when they move, how often they move and what they look like. How’s that feel? Ok, doesn’t matter if it feels icky. Have that conversation it matters.
Remember Who You Are — You are a whole human, with a life to live. Caregiver is just one role that you have. Remember what things make you smile, and make you enjoy every day. Lean into doing that as much as you can. Go take a walk. Go on a date. Whatever it is, remember who you are and what you need. It’ll make you feel better and as a result help you be a better caregiver.